Following a star- ‘MistleToe Roaster’… the three wise men?

I thought this Christmas I would share a scene from my play MistleToe Roaster.
This scene is taken straight from the script, which doesn’t translate well to the clog space or form here, but I think it’s easy follow along.
Without giving the story away, I can say that Chuck and Elbow are called to an emergency toe roaster (campfire) on Christmas eve by their friend, Joe Junior Jr.  For those of you who have seen Toe Roaster… Joe Junior Jr., is Big Daddy’s cousin and Elbow is Hamlet’s brother.

The scene;
The three men are dressed in Santa Claus suits sitting around a campfire discussing the big event that just occurred in there home town.
This triggers Joe Junior Jr. to ponder the reason behind Christmas. 

CHUCK SEES JOE JUNIOR Jr. GAZING UP INTO THE SKY.

CHUCK
WHAT’CHA LOOKING AT UP THERE  JOE JUNIOR?

JOE JUNIOR Jr.
OH JUST LOOKING… I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT STAR.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT STAR THEM WISE MEN FOLLOWED.
MUST HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF STAR?

CHUCK
(LOOKING SKYWARD. OBVIOUSLY THINKING)
ANYBODY EVER WONDER WHY
THEY CALLED THEM THREE GUYS ‘WISE MEN’?
WEREN’T THEY CALLED MOON PIES OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

JOE JUNIOR Jr.
(DISGUSTED)
MAGI CHUCK, THEY WERE MAGI.

CHUCK
YEAH, MAG PIES.
THEY KNEW ABOUT THE STARS.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
SOME SAY THEY WERE THE FIRST TO STUDY THE STARS.
THEY WERE THE FIRST TO INVENT THE KALEIDOSCOPE!

ELBOW
THE TELESCOPE CHUCK,
THEY INVENTED THE TELESCOPE.

CHUCK
THAT TOO?

ELBOW
IDIOT.

CHUCK
ANYWAY…
THEY USED ALL THEM SCOPES TO STUDY THE STARS.
AND THAT MADE THEM THE FIRST ASTRONAUTS!

ELBOW
ASTRONOMERS CHUCK, ASTRONOMERS.
AND WE DON’T KNOW THAT FOR SURE.
ALL WE KNOW IS THEY WERE WISE.

CHUCK
YEAH,
AND THEY WAS REAL SMART TOO.

JOE JUNIOR Jr. LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO GIVE UP, ELBOW ROLLS HIS EYES.

CHUCK (CONT’D)
CAUSE I REMEMBER MISS MARGARET IN SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS
TALKING ABOUT THIS.
TALKING ABOUT THAT HEROD KING
TELLING THEM THREE  WISE MEN TO GO FIND THE BABY JESUS.
HEROD TOLD THEM TO FIND HIM,
AND WHEN THEY DID TO COME BACK
AND TELL HIM WHERE HE WAS.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
BUT, THAT HEROD KING DID NOT WANT JESUS AUTOGRAPH
NO SIR!
HE WANTED TO KILL THE BABY JESUS!

ELBOW
THAT’S RIGHT…
HE WANTED HIM DEAD.

JOE JUNIOR Jr.
AND WHY?
ALL BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT NO COMPETITION.
AIN’T THAT STUPID?
SOMEONE TRYING TO COMPETE WITH THE SON OF GOD?

CHUCK
YEP, THAT IS STUPID.  BUT WE AIN’T.
THERE’S THREE OF US
JUST LIKE THEIR WERE THREE OF THEM MOON PIES.

ELBOW
THEY WERE MAGPIES!

JOE JUNIOR Jr.
NO!  THEY WERE MAGI… MAGI!

CHUCK
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
WELL, THEY WERE THREE MEN PROBABLY SITTING OUTSIDE LIKE US,
AROUND A TOE ROASTER.

JOE JUNIOR Jr. IS NOW LOOKING BACK UP INTO THE SKY.

JOE JUNIOR Jr.
YEP, SITTING AROUND A TOE ROASTER AND
LOOKING FOR A CERTAIN STAR.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
THEY WERE LOOKING FOR JESUS.

CHUCK
AND THINK ABOUT THIS JOE JUNIOR.
WHEN THEY FOUND HIM, THEY KNEW THAT FINDING HIM WAS NOT ENOUGH.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
THEY GAVE HIM THEIR GIFTS!
AND THEY WORSHIPED HIM!

JOE JUNIOR Jr.
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.  THEY WORSHIPED A CHILD!
THEY WERE WISE BECAUSE THEY KNEW HE WAS THE KING OF KINGS!
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
AND EVERY MAN THAT DOES THE SAME…
THAT SEEKS  JESUS…
GIVES HIM THEIR GIFTS…
IS JUST AS WISE
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
I’M SURE GLAD THEY DIDN’T GO BACK
AND TELL THAT KING HEROD WHERE HE WAS.

ELBOW
THE BIBLE SAID THE WISE MEN WENT HOME ANOTHER WAY.

CHUCK
THEY WERE WISE!

CHUCK AND JOE JUNIOR Jr. ARE STARING AT ELBOW.

ELBOW (CONT’D)
JUST LIKE ANYONE WHO SEES THAT STAR TODAY, YOU KNOW…  JESUS.
AND CHOOSES TO FOLLOW IT…
THEY’LL GO HOME ANOTHER WAY!

ALL THREE SIT AND SMILE AT THE THOUGHT.

CHUCK
I WANT TO BE A MOON PIE.

ELBOW
YOU ARE CHUCK, BELIEVE ME YOU ARE.

Taken from MistleToe Roaster
All rights reserved
Copyright 2005

About the author: bryan

8 comments to “Following a star- ‘MistleToe Roaster’… the three wise men?”

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  1. Leroy Mullins - December 24, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    No one can tell the story any better. Miss visiting with you. Leroy

  2. bryan - December 28, 2010 at 7:23 am

    Leroy,
    Great to hear from you. Thanks for the comment. I hope you and your entire family had a great Christmas!
    Look for a Toe Roaster DVD soon.. and maybe first a Toe Roaster App for the iPad?????

  3. Karen Block - November 30, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Several years ago my husband and I attended a performance of Toe Roaster in Louisville, KY. Loved it and bought your CD. Then we lent it to a friend who lost the CD. Now we can’t find where to buy another. Can you help? Also, if you ever made that DVD, I’d buy that too. Would appreciate your help Christmas is coming………

  4. Vickie Johnson-Rankin - December 6, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    Loved this play! I saw you guys in Staunton, va years ago and I have bugged you and Will and Langdon every chance I get to see it again!! It really was the best play/drama ever! Please let me know if you do perform it again or make a DVD of it. Thanks so much!

  5. bryan - December 7, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Vickie
    Thanks so much for your post.
    I cannot tell you how much fun it was to work with Wil and Langdon! That was a great great run performing MistleToe Roaster, and the perfect place for our last show there in Stuanton. ( I love Staunton )
    No plans to bring the show back into production unfortunately, but if we do.. we sure hope to see you there. Blessings!

  6. bryan - December 7, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Karen,
    Louisville, at the Actors Theater? Did I get that right?
    Louisville was a great time, and I believe that show was in the round?

    Thank you for remembering Toe Roaster. Wynn Varble, and Troy Jones, two extremely talented people made that show so much fun for me.

    There is a DVD in the works of the shows last performance. I hope it’s available soon.. I would love to see it myself!

    But, unfortunately no DVD by this Christmas, and the CD’s are all sold out!

    Please stay in touch, and look for the DVD.. hopefully soon .. (Looking for a sponsor i think?)

  7. Todd Ham - December 2, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    We heard the MistleToe Roaster on XM a few years ago and loved it. Any chance ya’ll are going to have an audio or video version available for purchase soon? I would LOVE to share this with my kids. Thanks!

  8. bryan - December 2, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Todd thank you so much for taking the time to look us up and for remembering MistleToe Roaster from our XM radio days. That was around 2006 if I remember correctly.
    We (Wil Reid, Langdon Reid.. aka; Wilson Fairchild… Look them up!) had so much fun doing that show but, we have not performed it since. AND, unfortunately we lost our XM connection there several years ago. We don’t have any plans to make the audio version available at this time. I would like to see that happen myself.
    Thank you so much for writing. Most of all thank you for wanting to share the MistleToe Roaster with your kids.. that really means a great deal. Please don’t be a stranger to any of the Wilson Fairchild road gigs, or any place you might find me playing. We would would love to say hi. Blessings!

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